


Everything You've Ever Been

by youjik33



Category: True Detective
Genre: Gen, Halloween, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2404862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youjik33/pseuds/youjik33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wearing a plastic tiara doesn't make you a princess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything You've Ever Been

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fleurlb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurlb/gifts).



> I was browsing the prompts list and this one really grabbed me. I hope I did the characters justice.

Audrey had spent most of the evening lying on her bed watching clouds stream past a sliver of yellow moon. It was a perfect Halloween moon; a witch moon, Maisie would have called it when they were little. But the moon had set by nine o'clock, and the only thing to look at was the tree in the yard, the glint of painted silver from the old toy princess tiara she'd thrown up there so long ago she couldn't even remember why she'd done it. By nine-thirty the comforting darkness of the room had become too stifling to handle.

She pulled on a black sweater, slipped on her shoes, and pushed the door open just a crack. The TV was on downstairs, her parents' voices soft and indistinct beneath its chatter. She had the strangest feeling they were talking about her, and considered creeping down the stairs to eavesdrop, but the freedom of the front door was ultimately more appealing.

Maisie's door was open, but she was busy sorting candy into piles and didn't look up at all as Audrey passed.

Audrey held her breath as she pushed the front door closed behind her, but it clicked shut almost soundlessly. She stood on the porch unmoving, between jack-lanterns whose tea lights had long since burned out, and then set off across the yard.

Rust's truck was parked at the curb. She hadn't known he was even over, and she veered toward it unconsciously. She sensed him before really seeing him; he stood in the shadow of the truck's cab, and Audrey stopped in her tracks a few yards away. There was a clink of metal and Rust's lighter flared, the flame sending dramatic shadows across his cheekbones as he lit his cigarette. He took a long drag, shoved the lighter back into his pocket, and let out a stream of smoke.

"Where you headed, this time of night?"

He didn't seem accusatory, just vaguely curious. Audrey had always liked Rust, even though they'd barely talked.

"Nowhere," she said, stepping closer. The dew on the grass soaked through the toes of her canvas shoes. "Just wanted to look at the stars."

"Can't see too many from here."

"Nope. I go to the park, sometimes, sit on the monkey bars. It's just a couple of blocks."

He didn't try to stop her, but instead of heading down the road Audrey stopped right next to him, watching him smoke. Had he gotten more handsome in the years she'd known him, or was she just more aware of it now?

"Your sister was disappointed you didn't want to trick-or-treat with her," he said after a moment.

Audrey sighed. "She'll get over it."

"I hear you used to love Halloween. Your favorite holiday, that's what your mama told me."

Audrey heard the question behind the statement and appreciated Rust for not actually asking it. "I'm fourteen, I'm not a little kid any more." She tugged at a stray thread on her sweater cuff. "It just seems stupid now, I guess. Wearing a plastic tiara doesn't make you a princess. Then when you take it off it's just even more obvious how much your real life sucks."

The chill Halloween wind made the end of Rust's cigarette glow more brightly, and in the starlight his eyes shone like polished stones. She'd never talked about this with anyone before.

A feeling of recklessness came over her, and Audrey reached out to pluck the cigarette from his fingers. The filter was still warm from his mouth and she closed her eyes as she inhaled, opening them again to watch the smoke dissipate as it left her lips. She handed the cigarette back; Rust took it without a word.

"Don't tell my dad," she said.

"Sure." He took a drag. "But I do have an obligation to give you the standard warning about how smoking can kill you."

"What won't?" Audrey rolled her eyes. "Just being alive means you're gonna die, eventually, of something. Sometimes I wonder what the point is," she continued in a breathless rush. "And I don't just mean like the point of my life, or of humanity even. I mean, why does anything exist at all?"

She looked down, cheeks burning, wondering what in the world had possessed her to run her mouth. She half expected him to laugh at her even though she wasn't sure she'd ever heard him laugh at all.

"That's a fair question," he said after a few long seconds. "Though it seems to me that an infinite nothingness would be even more pointless."

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do," she said. But there was a lightness in her chest, like the words had been stuck inside her and just saying them had knocked something loose.

"Only thing you can do," Rust replied. "You try to put more good into the world than you take out of it."

Audrey leaned back against the side of the truck, letting her arm brush against his – warm, even through his blazer – and tilted her head up, trying to make out the few stars she could through the glare of the street light. "Thanks, Rust," she said, "for actually listening to me. I feel like my head gets mixed up sometimes."

He did laugh, then, a low dry chuckle. "How'd Marty end up with a kid like you?" he murmured.

"I wish _you_ were my dad."

Rust went still at that, something tensing in his shoulders. Audrey didn't know why, and she hoped she hadn't hurt him somehow even though she didn't regret saying it, not really.

"You shouldn't be too hard on your old man," he said finally. "He tries his best."

A little spark of anger flickered through her at that. "Yeah, well. Maybe his best isn't good enough."

"No," he said, something heavy in his voice that hadn't been there before. "Sometimes it isn't."

The cigarette had nearly burned down, and Rust didn't try to stop her as Audrey reached for it again.

"You want to head out?" he asked as she crushed the butt under her foot. "It's a school night."

"Nah," she said. "I don't feel like it any more. You coming in?"

He nodded, gesturing for her to go ahead of him, but instead of heading inside she stood on her toes and kissed his cheek, just because she wanted to. In the darkness his expression was impossible to read.

\---------------------------------------------

Audrey stood in the doorway of the hospital room, listening to machines beep and whir, watching the slight rise and fall of Rust's chest. Without that movement she wouldn't have been sure he was even alive, and she didn't know if she could handle getting a closer look.

Before she could make up her mind to go, his voice rasped, "Audrey."

"Rust," she replied, shakily, stepping toward the bed.

"Look at you. All grown up."

His eyes were so swollen she was surprised he could even see her. She wanted to say something, something clever or comforting, but the shock of seeing him like this after a ten-year absence was overwhelming. He looked awful, and she was sure he knew it. But she found his hand in the blankets and held it between hers. "Mom said I shouldn't bother you."

"You aren't bothering me," he said in that same hoarse rasp. "How's your daddy?"

"Fine," she said. It wasn't entirely true. Audrey had seen her father cry for the first time in her life, and it had scared her a little. "Well, mostly fine. He keeps asking about you, too."

She thought she saw a smile at that, or at least the ghost of one, and suddenly her shoulders started shaking, throat closing up.

"I'm glad you're alive," Audrey managed through her tears, wishing he didn't seem so surprised. She leaned down and kissed Rust's cheek, just because she wanted to, and when she squeezed his hand he squeezed back.


End file.
